There are four types of lies in a relationship — but the outcome is always the same

Researchers from the University of Copenhagen, led by psychologist Rachele Madini, surveyed 656 adult Americans about their experiences with deception in romantic relationships. The results, published in the scientific journal Personal Relationships, debunk the popular myth about the harmlessness of so-called "white lies."

As it turned out, regardless of whether a person hides something for their own benefit or genuinely tries to protect their partner's feelings, the damage to the relationship is almost identical. Good intentions do not compensate for the destructive consequences, and any dishonesty typically leads to a loss of trust, worsening communication, and emotional distancing between lovers.

Scientists identified four main forms of dishonesty in couples.

• The first is direct lying, which can be both serious (e.g., denying infidelity while looking into someone's eyes) and minor ("white lies," when a partner simply praises tasteless food or an unflattering outfit).
• The second form is withholding information or concealing something that a partner would definitely want to know.
• The third is active deception through behavior, such as deleting messages or artificially creating a "facade of normalcy."
• Finally, the fourth form is infidelity, and researchers include not only physical affairs but also emotional affairs, as well as online activity like virtual flirting.

The topics of lies also proved to be quite broad. The authors identified eight main areas, including finances, sexuality, health, location, emotions, past actions, and social connections. Money and sex, as expected, were among the most popular topics for concealment.

For example, respondents admitted to hiding their true incomes, having secret bank accounts, or regularly faking orgasms, because they felt pressured or simply lacked the energy to resolve relationship issues. Serious lies about health were also encountered: one participant hid a severe kidney disease from his wife, fearing that her family would not approve of their union because of it.

Scientists named the most unexpected and dangerous consequence of deception the "Slowburn" effect. Even if the lie remains undiscovered, the feeling of relief or thrill quickly gives way to guilt, shame, and regret, which accumulate over months and poison a person's psyche from within.

In addition, a vicious cycle is launched: the one who lied begins to suspect their partner of deception, and they have to constantly be on guard, coming up with new excuses. As one survey participant aptly remarked: "Trust is the glue that holds relationships together," — and if this glue begins to dry out due to secrets, it can take years to rebuild the connection.

Despite the generally bleak picture, the research shows that sometimes bitter truth after a lie can become a point of growth and strengthen a relationship.

In a small number of cases, the uncovering of deception acted as a trigger for difficult but necessary conversations that the couple had carefully avoided before. This phenomenon was called "reconnected bond," where a painful crisis helped lovers solve accumulated problems and make their union even stronger.

However, for the absolute majority of couples, dishonesty remains a silent killer that gradually destroys intimacy, spawns endless quarrels, and ultimately leads to a breakup.

It turns out that the only way to build strong and healthy relationships is to accept that any lie is harmful and to be honest even in small things and expect the same from your partner. And this is a very difficult path.

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